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Wow, it's been awhile since I've written one of these. I've been so consumed in film and growing that passion that I forgot how valuable it is to release my emotions through written word. I've been bottling up my emotions for so long because I feel like I'm the only one in this "rut" (which I guarantee I'm not). I think it's unfair to bring the people I care about through this mental blockade, though I also feel like it's unfair to leave them out of my emotions completely, so how do I express myself?! Does anyone feel stuck for no reason? My work is going well, I couldn't ask for more in my relationship, I'm growing with my passions, but I feel so dissatisfied.. like why?


Similar to my "isolated" experience dealing with religion I feel like I'm a bit alone with these emotions. I've expressed these thoughts and feelings to close friends and I feel like I simply can't explain what I'm feeling and how severe the weight feels on my shoulders. I come across incredibly selfish and inconsiderate to others. So, since I've had a really difficult time expressing myself in person, I'm going to try and do it here.


What do I want?


I'm scared that I'm not living my life. Of course that may sound confusing and contradicting but here's the reality. The more people you add to your life, people that you genuinely care about; the less you start living the life that you would design for yourself and the more you start shaping your life and your decisions around those individuals. This isn't bad, but it's really stressing me out. I consider myself an independent human being. I can take care of myself, but there are tangible things that I can't live without from other human beings. I admire verbal validation, it makes me feel good as I'm sure it does anyone else. I admire physical touch as a sign of affection and acceptance regardless of how qwerky or weird I am. I admire authentic conversations with other human beings, ones that teach me more than they would on my own.


How do I get there?


I fear missing out on opportunity. Whatever that looks like, I'm scared of missing that chance; going out, meeting new friends, taking big risks, taking small risks, you name it. I don't want to miss the opportunity to experience a life that was set out for me. By sitting back and falling into the same rhythm as everyone else how could I ever expect different results than what I'm seeing around me? There's nothing wrong with what anyone else decides to do with their life, I just don't want to copy that formula for mine. So, what's the advice that I've been given?


Compromise.


Sacrifice certain parts of what you genuinely want to do with your life to satisfy someone else.. how does that sound right? Do we understand that no matter how much we think we know someone else, we will NEVER understand anyone else's emotions, feelings, pains, or heartaches the way that they do? Ever. That's why empathy is beautiful, it's saying "Hey, I'm going to be vulnerable enough to be honest with you and say I could NEVER comprehend your emotions but you best believe I'll be here to listen every step of the way and do my best to understand." We only know one person through and through, and that is ourselves. But, we put ourselves in the backseat in order to please other people, in order to be a great partner, to be a great friend, to be a great child, you name it. We bank our value off of what others think of us and we need to start thinking about how we think of ourselves. Do you ever say "I love myself"? Probably not, we're taught to do otherwise, we're taught to express our love for other people as often as possible and rightfully so. We never know how many times we'll be able to see people in our lives, how many moments we get to experience with one another, or how many last kisses we'll get. Likewise, we don't know how much time we have ourselves. "Before you love others you need to learn how to love yourself." Ever heard of that? What if you went a whole life spending your time on others and none on yourself? You wouldn't regret the connections you made and the moments that you had with others, but you might regret the time that you didn't take for yourself. There's an opportunity cost for everything we do in life. If I choose this, here is my outcome whereas if I choose that here is my other outcome. There's always two sides to the circumstances in your life, the one thing I'd ask you (as I'm asking myself) is "Which decision is yours and which decision is for someone else?"


Decide which version of yourself you want to be.


This was the other advice that I was given. I was told that I'm a spontaneous individual trying to live a routine life. I completely agree. We can't explain the impact that certain things have on us as kids as we grow up. One for me was the constant stress of money in my family. I mean what do you expect with a family of 12? I'm struggling to build financial flexibility and the only child I have is a dog so I can't imagine the heaviness of supporting 10 kids and a partner. That stuck with me and that's what drives the routine side in me, the structure of saving and investing. However, routine and a focus on the future can build hesitation to live in the moment, to focus on today. I find myself worrying too much about tomorrow and not enough about today. You can always look forward to something but you can never go back.


And, here I am.


I'm lead to this point, to writing this blog trying to find something within my own words. Don't undervalue the emotions that you're experiencing. Expressing those emotions may guide you to your authentic self if you unlock that door. I don't have the answer to the mental block that I'm experiencing, but finding ways such as this blog to express myself and put my emotions on the table is one step that I believe will guide me in the right direction.


sc.

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